1
00:00:02,300 --> 00:00:08,260
Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

2
00:00:08,261 --> 00:00:11,021
 Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

3
00:00:11,022 --> 00:00:13,782
 Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

4
00:00:13,783 --> 00:00:16,424
 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

5
00:00:16,425 --> 00:00:19,225
 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

6
00:00:19,226 --> 00:00:22,026
 Groovy Greeks, brainy
sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

7
00:00:22,027 --> 00:00:27,466
 Gory stories, we do that
And your host, a talking rat

8
00:00:27,469 --> 00:00:31,468
The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

9
00:00:31,471 --> 00:00:35,911
 Horrible Histories. 

10
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:45,154
Some of our Roman Emperors
were a bit, well, loopy,

11
00:00:45,157 --> 00:00:47,957
and none were loopier than Caligula.

12
00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:51,198
Legionaries, attention!

13
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,520
All hail the Emperor of Rome, Caligula.

14
00:00:57,122 --> 00:00:58,801
Legions of Rome,

15
00:00:58,803 --> 00:01:05,482
today is a great day in the history
of the Empire, for today we shall

16
00:01:05,486 --> 00:01:11,445
sail across the Channel and finally
conquer Britain. What say you?

17
00:01:11,448 --> 00:01:14,807
UNENTHUSIASTIC MUTTERING

18
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,890
- Army looks a little thin on the ground today, General.
- Yes, sir.

19
00:01:17,891 --> 00:01:21,930
Erm, did you actually tell the
other garrisons about the invasion?

20
00:01:21,933 --> 00:01:25,812
Of course I did. Or did I just tell Mr Hand?

21
00:01:25,815 --> 00:01:29,974
Mr Hand, did I tell the other
garrisons about the invasion?

22
00:01:29,976 --> 00:01:32,695
No, you didn't, you only told me.

23
00:01:32,698 --> 00:01:35,057
Yes, it turns out I just told Mr Hand.

24
00:01:35,059 --> 00:01:38,378
Well, to successfully invade
Britain we'd need thousands of men.

25
00:01:38,380 --> 00:01:40,219
And how many men do we have?

26
00:01:40,221 --> 00:01:43,660
Well, including you, me, Jeremy, who frankly is

27
00:01:43,662 --> 00:01:45,701
more of a lover than a fighter...

28
00:01:45,703 --> 00:01:48,102
- six.
- Mmm.

29
00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:50,903
To invade Britain with this
many men you'd have to be mad.

30
00:01:50,906 --> 00:01:54,625
Oh, well, I certainly don't
want people to think I'm mad, do I,

31
00:01:54,627 --> 00:01:57,906
Mr Hand? No, you certainly wouldn't.

32
00:01:57,907 --> 00:02:00,549
Well, I can't come all this
way without fighting anyone,

33
00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:02,109
it would be too embarrassing.

34
00:02:02,110 --> 00:02:04,029
We must return to Rome in victory.

35
00:02:04,030 --> 00:02:07,232
But we're on a deserted beach
in a country we've already conquered.

36
00:02:07,233 --> 00:02:11,232
- There's no-one here to fight.
- I think you're forgetting my greatest

37
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:17,714
and most valiant enemy
- Poseidon, god of the sea!

38
00:02:19,398 --> 00:02:22,557
Let us wage war on the sea.

39
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:25,679
Look, General, it's retreating.

40
00:02:26,841 --> 00:02:29,320
It's attacking again.

41
00:02:29,322 --> 00:02:34,041
- It's retreating again.
- That's just the tide going out.

42
00:02:34,044 --> 00:02:35,603
Take that, you big, wet wuss.

43
00:02:35,605 --> 00:02:39,685
See how I whip Poseidon into surrender.

44
00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:44,367
It's true, Caligula did indeed

45
00:02:44,369 --> 00:02:47,328
forget to tell his armies
to invade Britain with him.

46
00:02:47,329 --> 00:02:48,890
He ordered his troops to collect

47
00:02:48,891 --> 00:02:52,210
seashells, then whipped the
sea so he wouldn't look so foolish.

48
00:02:52,212 --> 00:02:55,531
He really was one prawn
short of a cocktail, wasn't he?

49
00:02:55,534 --> 00:02:58,413
So why did his legionaries go along with it?

50
00:02:58,415 --> 00:03:01,854
Well, they were trained
to do exactly as they were told.

51
00:03:01,856 --> 00:03:05,615
My name's Stuffus Maximus and
I'm a legionary in the Roman army.

52
00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:08,617
'I joined the army because
I liked swords and fighting,

53
00:03:08,618 --> 00:03:10,339
'and because I was made to, of course.

54
00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,739
'But it's not all work, work, work, you know.'

55
00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:15,101
What do you think you're
doing, you horrible little man?

56
00:03:15,102 --> 00:03:18,022
You're supposed to be doing
stabbing practice, so start stabbing.

57
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:21,222
'Actually, thinking about
it, it is all work, work, work.

58
00:03:21,225 --> 00:03:25,424
'We train harder than any other army in history.
We march 20 miles a day,

59
00:03:25,427 --> 00:03:29,226
'build a whole fort and then
take it down again the next morning.'

60
00:03:29,228 --> 00:03:30,867
Can't complain, though.

61
00:03:30,869 --> 00:03:33,029
Get your knees up, you horrible little man!

62
00:03:33,030 --> 00:03:34,909
They hit you if you complain.

63
00:03:34,911 --> 00:03:37,110
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

64
00:03:37,112 --> 00:03:40,752
I suppose the food's not bad,
but you do have to pay for it.

65
00:03:42,954 --> 00:03:46,313
'In fact, you have to pay
for everything in the Roman army -

66
00:03:46,316 --> 00:03:48,635
'your food, your uniform, your weapons...

67
00:03:48,637 --> 00:03:50,436
'even your own funeral.'

68
00:03:50,437 --> 00:03:54,996
Course, if you decide the army's
not for you, you can always leave.

69
00:03:54,999 --> 00:03:56,878
Oh...

70
00:03:56,879 --> 00:03:59,200
'Well, the army tends to look down on deserters.

71
00:03:59,201 --> 00:04:04,321
'About 500 feet down, to be precise.
So I'd recommend staying to fight.'

72
00:04:10,006 --> 00:04:13,965
Gentlemen, victory is ours.

73
00:04:13,968 --> 00:04:16,727
- Let us gather the spoils of war.
- The what?

74
00:04:16,729 --> 00:04:20,048
The shells the sea left when it was running away.

75
00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:25,249
Legionaries, gather every
seashell on the seashore.

76
00:04:25,253 --> 00:04:29,372
We'll show that watery halfwit who the daddy is.

77
00:04:29,374 --> 00:04:31,333
You're the daddy. Yes, I am the daddy.

78
00:04:31,335 --> 00:04:34,655
You're the daddy. Look, I'm
agreeing with you here, Mr Hand.

79
00:04:36,177 --> 00:04:39,056
So are you ready to return to Rome now, Emperor?

80
00:04:39,059 --> 00:04:42,138
Yes, with my head held high.

81
00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:47,180
No-one can accuse me of looking silly now.
Come along, Jeremy.

82
00:04:55,946 --> 00:04:59,985
You didn't want to live in England
in 1349 because there was a nasty

83
00:04:59,988 --> 00:05:04,908
outbreak of the plague - not
that there's ever been a nice one.

84
00:05:08,831 --> 00:05:12,390
We're expecting severe outbreaks
of the Plague this year.

85
00:05:12,393 --> 00:05:16,352
Sweeping over on ships from Europe,
it's expected to spread right across

86
00:05:16,355 --> 00:05:18,474
England. Towns and cities will be

87
00:05:18,476 --> 00:05:22,355
the worst affected, with people
dying in vast numbers here,

88
00:05:22,357 --> 00:05:24,156
here and indeed here.

89
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,597
Better news up in Scotland, though.

90
00:05:26,599 --> 00:05:28,158
No plague whatsoever.

91
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,599
So in summary, if you live in England,

92
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:32,600
expect a nasty outbreak of coughing

93
00:05:32,602 --> 00:05:37,241
and weeping sores that ooze blood,
followed by almost certain death.

94
00:05:37,244 --> 00:05:40,523
On a more positive note, tomorrow
should be bright and sunny,

95
00:05:40,525 --> 00:05:43,604
perfect for that mass burial in a big stinky pit.

96
00:05:43,607 --> 00:05:45,767
Have a lovely year.

97
00:05:47,248 --> 00:05:50,527
Aaargh!

98
00:05:50,530 --> 00:05:54,889
Sons of Scotland, the Plague has been killing off

99
00:05:54,891 --> 00:05:59,410
the English in their thousands,
and those that are left are sick

100
00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:06,892
and weak, whereas we are strong,
for there is no plague in Scotland.

101
00:06:06,897 --> 00:06:08,816
Argh!

102
00:06:08,817 --> 00:06:13,136
With their defences down,
now is the time for us to invade.

103
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:18,138
Let the arrogant English
taste some Scottish steel.

104
00:06:18,142 --> 00:06:21,981
- Argh!
- Go get 'em, laddies. - So are you all ready?

105
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,903
- Have you all had your porridge?
- Aye!

106
00:06:23,904 --> 00:06:25,943
Have you all sharpened

107
00:06:25,945 --> 00:06:28,064
- your weapons?
- Aye!

108
00:06:28,066 --> 00:06:30,505
And have you all put on some nice warm underwear?

109
00:06:30,507 --> 00:06:32,706
Of course not, you big Jessie.

110
00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:37,388
- Now let's go and slaughter some English.
- Argh!

111
00:06:38,951 --> 00:06:44,310
Kill them, kill them all, butcher
the lot of them and don't stop till

112
00:06:44,313 --> 00:06:47,952
the soil of England is
stained red with their blood.

113
00:06:47,954 --> 00:06:49,473
HE COUGHS

114
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:55,034
Oh, you're back already, MacDonald?
You dinnae look so well.

115
00:06:55,038 --> 00:06:58,838
Think I may have caught a wee
dose of that English plague, no?

116
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,759
It's possible I didn't really think this

117
00:07:03,761 --> 00:07:05,880
whole invasion thing through, did I?

118
00:07:05,882 --> 00:07:07,921
No.

119
00:07:07,923 --> 00:07:09,842
Quick, lads, back over the border.

120
00:07:09,844 --> 00:07:13,163
Retreat, run home to your villages.

121
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,444
But won't that bring the Plague back?

122
00:07:15,446 --> 00:07:19,165
- You'll infect the whole of Scotland.
- Aye.

123
00:07:19,168 --> 00:07:22,807
I didn't really think that
bit through too well either, did I?

124
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,329
Erm, no.

125
00:07:24,330 --> 00:07:26,849
THEY COUGH

126
00:07:26,851 --> 00:07:28,371
Freedom!

127
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:32,532
That is exactly what happened.

128
00:07:32,534 --> 00:07:36,333
The Scottish army invaded England,
caught the Plague and took it back

129
00:07:36,335 --> 00:07:37,934
to their families in Scotland.

130
00:07:37,936 --> 00:07:40,895
- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
- Ooh, my husband went to England

131
00:07:40,897 --> 00:07:44,897
and all he brought me back was this lousy plague.

132
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:49,179
And Scottish families in the Middle Ages had some

133
00:07:49,181 --> 00:07:51,101
pretty unusual customs.

134
00:07:53,183 --> 00:07:56,022
Alan is a Middle Ages man from England.

135
00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:59,343
He's met Scottish beauty Doileag
and wants to marry her. So they've

136
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:03,224
travelled back to Scotland to meet
Doileag's devoted mother and father.

137
00:08:03,227 --> 00:08:05,986
- But what will they think of him?
- This is Alan. - Hello.

138
00:08:05,988 --> 00:08:07,788
- Hello.
- Hello.

139
00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:12,469
I don't think they like me.

140
00:08:12,471 --> 00:08:15,710
No, no, we're just throwing
herring fat at a wall to see

141
00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:17,352
if you're an honest man or no'.

142
00:08:17,353 --> 00:08:21,512
That's how we like to
do things in Medieval Scotland.

143
00:08:21,515 --> 00:08:24,754
Aye, the herring fat runs straight, father.

144
00:08:24,756 --> 00:08:27,115
- Is that a good thing?
- Aye.

145
00:08:27,116 --> 00:08:29,838
- If it were crooked that would mean you were dishonest.
- Oh.

146
00:08:29,839 --> 00:08:34,678
Now allow me to wash your feet
in a mixture of oil, soot and cinders.

147
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,240
This will bring you luck for your marriage.

148
00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:41,561
It's how we like to do
things in Medieval Scotland!

149
00:08:41,564 --> 00:08:43,843
It's the morning of the wedding

150
00:08:43,845 --> 00:08:47,884
- and Alan's beginning to have some doubts.
- Listen, Doileag.

151
00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:53,566
Look, all these weird Scottish
customs have got me thinking.

152
00:08:53,569 --> 00:08:57,008
You don't think we're
rushing into things, do you?

153
00:08:57,010 --> 00:08:58,249
Oh!

154
00:08:58,251 --> 00:09:01,370
- Aye, ready for a creeling.
- Ooh, what's a creeling?

155
00:09:01,372 --> 00:09:05,171
It's just a test to see if
you're man enough to be my husband.

156
00:09:05,174 --> 00:09:08,613
All you have to do is carry this
basket of stones around the village.

157
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,896
- Off you go.
- Argh, it'll be all right.

158
00:09:13,458 --> 00:09:18,178
Aye, it's how we like to
do things in Medieval Scotland!

159
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,981
- Did you go all around the village?
- Yes.

160
00:09:24,863 --> 00:09:27,902
Aye, he's still an honest man.
He's telling the truth.

161
00:09:27,904 --> 00:09:30,823
Let's get to the church.

162
00:09:30,825 --> 00:09:34,784
Coming up in the next series of
My Big Fat Medieval Scottish Wedding,

163
00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:37,546
Doileag and Alan's baby is christened.

164
00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:39,587
SHE SPITS

165
00:09:39,589 --> 00:09:44,229
Aye, it's how we like to
do things in Medieval Scotland!

166
00:09:50,794 --> 00:09:54,833
 Saxon monks had very strict rules

167
00:09:54,836 --> 00:09:59,076
 But we didn't always obey them

168
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:09,079
 Welcome to our monastery Please have a chair

169
00:10:09,082 --> 00:10:12,241
 Good to see you monks so deep in prayer

170
00:10:12,243 --> 00:10:15,362
 Once the praying's finished
Your chores must be done

171
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:18,683
The main rule of a good monk's life is no fun

172
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:22,125
 We have to pray eight
times a day Seven days a week

173
00:10:22,127 --> 00:10:25,526
 And copy all these manuscripts
in writing so antique

174
00:10:25,529 --> 00:10:29,128
 I'll finish off this letter
A Once I've ploughed our field

175
00:10:29,130 --> 00:10:32,129
 Milked the cows, mucked
the sows Vegetables peeled

176
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,331
 I'll be doing that and praying too

177
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:38,892
 Very well, gents I'll bid you, adieu

178
00:10:38,895 --> 00:10:42,014
 Adveniat regnum tuum

179
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,935
 OK, brothers, I think he's gone...

180
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:49,296
 Now the bishop's not around
Throw off these religious gowns

181
00:10:49,299 --> 00:10:52,258
-  Hunky... Chunky... Funky Monk-y
- Get down!

182
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:56,859
 It's not all hymns and praying
It's not all work and no playing

183
00:10:56,862 --> 00:10:59,021
 So let's start misbehaving

184
00:10:59,023 --> 00:11:00,542
 And get with the funk

185
00:11:00,544 --> 00:11:04,543
 We love to have a party Eat food that is hearty

186
00:11:04,546 --> 00:11:08,305
-  Let's get the boozing started
- Drunk like a monk

187
00:11:08,307 --> 00:11:11,427
 Play that monk-y music, funk boy

188
00:11:14,030 --> 00:11:17,269
 Just wanted to check that during my absence

189
00:11:17,271 --> 00:11:20,431
 You're honouring your
meal time vow of silence...

190
00:11:24,755 --> 00:11:27,914
 Although we didn't oughtta
We like to hunt and slaughter

191
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:29,955
Don't need no bread and water

192
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,076
 Just fun, fun, fun

193
00:11:32,078 --> 00:11:35,837
 Monastery is jumping Party beat is thumping

194
00:11:35,839 --> 00:11:37,678
 Just lacks a certain something

195
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,759
 A funky nun!

196
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:43,200
 Get in the party habit Girlfriend...

197
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:46,882
 It's true that life is tough here

198
00:11:46,884 --> 00:11:50,203
 But you obey the rules That is clear

199
00:11:50,206 --> 00:11:52,525
 That's why we're a place of great repute

200
00:11:52,527 --> 00:11:56,606
 What's this? I see we have a new recruit

201
00:11:56,608 --> 00:11:59,527
 Welcome to our monastery What's your name?

202
00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:04,529
 She... He can't talk And his name is...Wayne

203
00:12:04,532 --> 00:12:11,372
 Amen. 

204
00:12:13,096 --> 00:12:15,896
Ah, men!

205
00:12:30,743 --> 00:12:34,622
The answer is C - they had it...

206
00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:36,544
Oh, no, sorry, my mistake.

207
00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:40,265
It's A, they polished it with
a stone called a pumice stone,

208
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:42,587
which is a sort of volcanic rock.

209
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:53,831
Hello, welcome to Ready Steady Feast.

210
00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:57,872
My first guest today has travelled
all the way from ancient Egypt.

211
00:12:57,875 --> 00:13:00,314
Please welcome Cheops.

212
00:13:00,316 --> 00:13:02,795
- Hello there.
- Hi, Cheops.

213
00:13:02,797 --> 00:13:07,876
Now, you're an Egyptian peasant,
so what horrible peasanty food have

214
00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:09,518
you brought with you today?

215
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,759
I've brought some bread.

216
00:13:11,761 --> 00:13:13,921
Bread. That's pretty normal.

217
00:13:15,723 --> 00:13:18,842
Argh, it's rock hard. Could lose a tooth on that.

218
00:13:18,844 --> 00:13:20,803
Yes, I know.

219
00:13:20,805 --> 00:13:22,724
It's the Egyptian sun, you see.

220
00:13:22,726 --> 00:13:24,525
It dries everything out.

221
00:13:24,527 --> 00:13:26,686
Makes the fish quite chewy as well.

222
00:13:26,687 --> 00:13:29,726
I am not touching that.

223
00:13:29,729 --> 00:13:32,888
Fair enough. How about some nice, soft dates?

224
00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:35,689
Oh, yes. Now these are more like it.

225
00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:38,810
- They're hand picked...
- Mm, lovely.

226
00:13:38,813 --> 00:13:40,332
..by baboons.

227
00:13:40,333 --> 00:13:43,372
SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

228
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:45,814
Yes, pet baboons, specially trained to

229
00:13:45,816 --> 00:13:49,095
climb up trees and pick the fruits.

230
00:13:49,097 --> 00:13:53,656
- But not specially trained to ever wash their hands.
- Well, no.

231
00:13:53,659 --> 00:13:56,258
Let's see if I have more luck with my next guest.

232
00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:58,899
He is an ancient Egyptian pyramid builder.

233
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:02,102
Oh, you know how builders are
paid in radishes and garlic, don't you?

234
00:14:02,103 --> 00:14:03,862
Shut it, baboon boy.

235
00:14:03,864 --> 00:14:07,143
They eat a lot of radishes
and garlic, is all I'm saying.

236
00:14:07,145 --> 00:14:08,785
Please welcome Menez.

237
00:14:10,827 --> 00:14:12,347
Hello there.

238
00:14:13,948 --> 00:14:15,907
I did try to warn her.

239
00:14:15,909 --> 00:14:17,508
Date?

240
00:14:17,510 --> 00:14:19,549
- Oh, thank you very much.
- They're nice.

241
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:21,669
Little bit of baboon dropping on there.

242
00:14:21,671 --> 00:14:24,430
- Mmm.
- Yeah, I like the dates.

243
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,353
- Grub's up.
- Yeah, grub's up.

244
00:14:36,638 --> 00:14:39,597
And it took a lot of radishes and garlic

245
00:14:39,599 --> 00:14:43,199
to pay all the builders we needed
to make a pyramid, I can tell you.

246
00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:49,000
- 'Ever wanted to build your own pyramid?'
- You bet I do.

247
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:51,602
'Well, now you can, with Pyramid Weekly.

248
00:14:51,604 --> 00:14:54,524
'Every issue of Pyramid
Weekly brings you a free gift.

249
00:14:55,806 --> 00:15:00,565
- 'A large stone weighing two-and-a-half tonnes.'
- Wow, a big stone. Great!

250
00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:02,807
How many do I need to build a pyramid?

251
00:15:02,809 --> 00:15:05,328
- 'Just 2.3 million.'
- Cool.

252
00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:10,409
'Yes, buy Pyramid Weekly every
week and in just 442,000 years

253
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:13,613
'you will have enough stones
to build your own pyramid.'

254
00:15:14,774 --> 00:15:17,933
Hey, Harry, what did you
get in Pyramid Weekly this week?

255
00:15:17,936 --> 00:15:20,735
Another big stone. That's 34 so far.

256
00:15:20,737 --> 00:15:23,256
I'll have 2.3 million in no time.

257
00:15:23,258 --> 00:15:25,697
Then all you'll have to do is build it.

258
00:15:25,699 --> 00:15:29,418
'Read how it took 70,000 labourers
five years to build each pyramid.'

259
00:15:29,421 --> 00:15:31,060
Do you think Dad'll help me?

260
00:15:31,061 --> 00:15:32,900
Of course he will.

261
00:15:32,902 --> 00:15:37,581
'Order today and get a second
free issue completely free.

262
00:15:37,584 --> 00:15:40,903
'Pyramid Weekly. Pick one up today, if you can.

263
00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:43,066
'70,000 labourers not included.'

264
00:15:51,991 --> 00:15:57,230
The 19th century iron-clad ship
used in the American Civil War.

265
00:15:57,233 --> 00:16:01,512
This ship was covered entirely
in metal, meaning enemy fire bounced

266
00:16:01,515 --> 00:16:04,234
right off it.

267
00:16:04,236 --> 00:16:07,836
Plus it could destroy
wooden ships by ramming them.

268
00:16:09,798 --> 00:16:12,637
The iron-clad ship was indestructible,

269
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,599
but there was one small problem.

270
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,360
The other side had one, too,

271
00:16:18,362 --> 00:16:20,402
so the battle went on for hours...

272
00:16:22,124 --> 00:16:24,124
..and hours.

273
00:16:26,766 --> 00:16:30,405
How about we just call it a draw?

274
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,686
That's right.

275
00:16:31,688 --> 00:16:36,727
In the 1860s, the United States
of America wasn't quite so united.

276
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:39,369
Civil war broke out, with
the Northern States doing

277
00:16:39,371 --> 00:16:41,570
battle against the Southern States.

278
00:16:41,571 --> 00:16:44,652
One of the Southern Confederate
generals was a really unusual

279
00:16:44,653 --> 00:16:48,172
character, to say the least.

280
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:51,294
I cannot believe that General
Stonewall Jackson himself

281
00:16:51,296 --> 00:16:55,095
- is going to be giving us our battle orders.
- Yes, brilliant and fearless.

282
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:56,617
No matter how heavy the enemy

283
00:16:56,619 --> 00:17:00,458
fire, he just stands there,
unmoving like a stone wall.

284
00:17:00,459 --> 00:17:02,580
He's one of our finest Confederate leaders.

285
00:17:02,581 --> 00:17:04,621
I hope it's going to be a surprise attack,

286
00:17:04,622 --> 00:17:07,021
- he is famous for his...
- Ten-shun!

287
00:17:07,022 --> 00:17:09,823
General Jackson, may I say what
an honour it is to serve under you?

288
00:17:09,824 --> 00:17:12,024
You have to speak up, son.
Little deaf in that ear.

289
00:17:12,025 --> 00:17:15,944
Oh, just saying it's a great
honour to serve under you.

290
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:17,826
No, I'm a bit deaf in that one, too.

291
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,947
(Must be all the cannon fire.)

292
00:17:19,949 --> 00:17:23,268
Cannon fire? Where? Where? Huh, huh, huh.

293
00:17:23,270 --> 00:17:27,469
- You have a map of the battlefield?
- I do, sir, yes.

294
00:17:27,472 --> 00:17:30,991
- This indicates the current location of the enemy and...
- SNORES

295
00:17:30,994 --> 00:17:33,753
- Sir?
- I believe he has fallen asleep.

296
00:17:33,755 --> 00:17:35,914
Good morning.

297
00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:39,195
Right, we shall attack the
enemy this way, huh, huh, huh.

298
00:17:39,196 --> 00:17:41,157
- From the air, with balloons?
- No, son,

299
00:17:41,158 --> 00:17:43,918
I'm just balancing out my arms,
keeping the circulation going.

300
00:17:43,919 --> 00:17:46,118
My right arm is longer than the left one.

301
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:49,959
Anyway, sir, this map shows
the current position of the enemy.

302
00:17:49,962 --> 00:17:52,801
- SNORES
- Forces are... - Not again.

303
00:17:52,803 --> 00:17:54,322
Huh, huh, huh.

304
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:56,843
I cannot believe this is Stonewall Jackson.

305
00:17:56,845 --> 00:17:58,084
(Shh, he'll hear you.)

306
00:17:58,085 --> 00:18:00,804
No, he won't. This man is not a legend.

307
00:18:00,806 --> 00:18:04,845
This man is some crazy, arm-waving
idiot who falls asleep all the time.

308
00:18:04,848 --> 00:18:07,447
Ah! So the enemy guns face to the west.

309
00:18:07,449 --> 00:18:11,248
We'll outflank them to the right
and attack them from the east.

310
00:18:11,251 --> 00:18:15,130
Our troops will then approach them
silently using the long grass as cover,

311
00:18:15,131 --> 00:18:18,933
- we will surprise the enemy and capture them before a shot is fired.
- Brilliant.

312
00:18:18,934 --> 00:18:22,173
Yes, I suppose he does have his moments.

313
00:18:22,176 --> 00:18:25,576
Sir, he is dribbling on my tunic.

314
00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:34,459
Ancient Greece was divided
into a number of different states.

315
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,260
There was my home, the warrior state, Sparta.

316
00:18:37,262 --> 00:18:40,542
And, well, lots of other rubbish ones.
Go, Sparta!

317
00:18:46,346 --> 00:18:48,865
- And you must be?
- Linda and Nigel.

318
00:18:48,867 --> 00:18:50,386
We're Archelaus' parents.

319
00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:53,027
Archelaus? I see.

320
00:18:53,028 --> 00:18:55,389
- What's wrong?
- Well, I've been meaning to speak

321
00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:59,709
- to you about your son's behaviour for some time.
- Is he in trouble?

322
00:18:59,712 --> 00:19:04,231
Well, I have a list here of what
he's been up to in the last week alone.

323
00:19:04,234 --> 00:19:05,833
Screaming, shouting,

324
00:19:05,835 --> 00:19:09,634
- fighting with other pupils, attacking the teachers.
- Really?

325
00:19:09,636 --> 00:19:14,195
Bringing weapons into school,
cheating, lying, stealing, bullying.

326
00:19:14,198 --> 00:19:17,277
I mean, the list goes on and on.

327
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,919
Mr and Mrs Archelaus, your son...

328
00:19:20,921 --> 00:19:22,840
Yes.

329
00:19:22,842 --> 00:19:24,601
..is the perfect Spartan child.

330
00:19:24,603 --> 00:19:28,682
He is going to make a fantastic Spartan warrior.

331
00:19:28,685 --> 00:19:31,244
- You must be very proud.
- I'm very proud.

332
00:19:31,246 --> 00:19:32,885
Yeah, he's very proud.

333
00:19:32,886 --> 00:19:36,286
All right, it is a Spartan school so don't cry.

334
00:19:50,054 --> 00:19:53,893
Although sometimes they were whipped
so hard and so often that they died.

335
00:19:53,896 --> 00:19:57,415
And if you think that's a stupid
way to die, check out what happened

336
00:19:57,417 --> 00:19:59,257
to the Athenian ruler Draco.

337
00:20:01,419 --> 00:20:05,938
 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
They're funny cos they're true

338
00:20:05,941 --> 00:20:10,981
 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
Hope next time it's not you. 

339
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:16,503
Next. So whom might you be?

340
00:20:16,505 --> 00:20:20,504
Draco, Greek lawmaker and ruler of Athens.

341
00:20:20,507 --> 00:20:23,466
Ooh. Greek lawmaker.

342
00:20:23,468 --> 00:20:26,987
Not THE Draco, the one who made pretty much

343
00:20:26,990 --> 00:20:30,909
any criminal offence punishable
by death, even stealing an apple?

344
00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:34,951
- The very same.
- Oh, brilliant.

345
00:20:34,953 --> 00:20:36,712
Can I have an autograph, please?

346
00:20:36,714 --> 00:20:39,553
- Yes, of course.
- Just here, thank you.

347
00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:42,795
Oh, any chance of a kissy?

348
00:20:46,598 --> 00:20:49,117
Oh, two kissies! Lovely.

349
00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:52,958
Right, now tell me about
your stupid death, come on.

350
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:56,720
Well, you see I was a very cruel
ruler, but also a popular one.

351
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:59,402
Cruel but popular. Me too.

352
00:20:59,404 --> 00:21:03,323
So a special show was put on
in the Athenian arena in my honour,

353
00:21:03,326 --> 00:21:07,445
and I stepped out to soak
up the praise of the crowd.

354
00:21:07,447 --> 00:21:10,366
Anyway, the crowd, to show

355
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:15,648
- their admiration, began to shower me with their hats and cloaks.
- Yes.

356
00:21:15,651 --> 00:21:19,090
And then more hats and cloaks.

357
00:21:19,092 --> 00:21:23,931
- And then more cloaks... and more hats...and more cloaks.
- Yes.

358
00:21:23,935 --> 00:21:27,654
And more hats and cloaks, and
more hats and cloaks, until eventually,

359
00:21:27,656 --> 00:21:32,855
I had so many hats and cloaks
piled up on top of me, I suffocated.

360
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,218
HE LAUGHS

361
00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:40,739
That's hilarious!

362
00:21:40,742 --> 00:21:43,861
That's so funny, I'm gasping for air.

363
00:21:43,863 --> 00:21:45,662
Like you were!

364
00:21:45,664 --> 00:21:48,583
Oh, because of the hats and cloaks thing, yes.

365
00:21:48,585 --> 00:21:51,784
Oh, good news, Draco, you're
through to the afterlife.

366
00:21:51,787 --> 00:21:53,506
Thank you, thank you so much.

367
00:21:53,507 --> 00:21:59,106
Oh, dear. I love my job sometimes, I really do.

368
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:04,510
 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
Hope next time it's not you. 

369
00:22:14,156 --> 00:22:16,635
Hello and welcome to the News At When.

370
00:22:16,637 --> 00:22:21,436
When? Tudor times, when England
broke with Rome and got its own church,

371
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,719
which really pleased Henry
VIII and really upset the Pope.

372
00:22:25,721 --> 00:22:27,800
Here with more details is Bob Hale

373
00:22:27,802 --> 00:22:29,761
with the Catholic report. Bob.

374
00:22:29,763 --> 00:22:33,162
Thank you, Sam. Well, there it
is - Tudor England, that's Henry VIII

375
00:22:33,163 --> 00:22:36,325
right there, and as you can tell,
it's wall-to-wall Catholics as far

376
00:22:36,326 --> 00:22:39,845
as the eye can see, much as it
has been for, ooh, let's say 900 years.

377
00:22:39,846 --> 00:22:42,768
But Henry's got a bit of a
problem because he wants a divorce,

378
00:22:42,769 --> 00:22:46,129
which is exactly the sort of thing
the Catholic Church doesn't like.

379
00:22:46,130 --> 00:22:49,729
So he asks the Pope if he can have
a divorce and he says "No way, Jose",

380
00:22:49,732 --> 00:22:52,011
which is weird because his name's Henry.

381
00:22:52,013 --> 00:22:55,332
So what does Henry do? He breaks
away from the Pope, there he goes,

382
00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:58,535
and he starts up his own church
here in England called, unsurprisingly,

383
00:22:58,536 --> 00:22:59,815
the Church of England.

384
00:22:59,816 --> 00:23:02,576
And since he's in charge of
it, he grants himself a divorce

385
00:23:02,577 --> 00:23:05,218
and marries Anne Boleyn,
who's a Protestant - she believes

386
00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:06,858
in the Bible but not in the Pope.

387
00:23:06,859 --> 00:23:09,539
Since the country's turning
Protestant, Henry starts being

388
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:12,659
a bit mean to the Catholics.
By that, I mean he executes them,

389
00:23:12,662 --> 00:23:15,381
closes their monasteries
and takes all their money.

390
00:23:15,382 --> 00:23:17,543
Then he gets married another
four times and he dies.

391
00:23:17,544 --> 00:23:20,544
That's what six wives will do to you.
And that, believe it or not,

392
00:23:20,545 --> 00:23:23,824
was the easy bit, as we can see
if we look at the religion-o-meter.

393
00:23:23,827 --> 00:23:25,626
So, the next king after Henry is...

394
00:23:25,627 --> 00:23:28,026
someone from your school. No, not really.

395
00:23:28,028 --> 00:23:31,627
It's Edward VI, who's only nine
years old, and he is a Protestant.

396
00:23:31,628 --> 00:23:33,230
And he's the king for ages and ages

397
00:23:33,231 --> 00:23:36,750
and ages until he finally
dies at the ripe old age of 15.

398
00:23:36,752 --> 00:23:39,791
Yep, 15, when he hands
over to Lady Jane Grey, another

399
00:23:39,792 --> 00:23:43,274
Protestant, who gets to enjoy ruling
the country for a whopping nine days

400
00:23:43,275 --> 00:23:46,754
before she's overthrown by
Queen Mary, a Catholic this time,

401
00:23:46,757 --> 00:23:50,196
so Catholic, in fact, that she
burns 300 Protestants at the stake.

402
00:23:50,198 --> 00:23:53,637
Although, that's not being
Catholic, that's just being horrid.

403
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:57,599
So England is Catholic again and everyone
can just sit down and get used to it.

404
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,361
But not for long! Because here comes

405
00:23:59,362 --> 00:24:01,882
Queen Elizabeth and, you've
guessed it, she's a Protestant.

406
00:24:01,883 --> 00:24:04,683
She even fights off a Catholic
invasion, the Spanish Armada,

407
00:24:04,684 --> 00:24:07,645
and Elizabeth is followed by
James I, who's a Scottish Protestant

408
00:24:07,646 --> 00:24:09,325
- or is it a Prottish Scotestant?

409
00:24:09,326 --> 00:24:11,406
Either way, he's a Protestant
but he likes Catholics.

410
00:24:11,407 --> 00:24:13,366
He does until one tries to blow him up.

411
00:24:13,368 --> 00:24:15,007
Naughty, naughty, Guy Fawkes!

412
00:24:15,009 --> 00:24:16,848
And after James comes Charles I,

413
00:24:16,850 --> 00:24:20,009
who acts like a Catholic but
basically doesn't care, he just

414
00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:23,371
wants to be in charge, which he
is, until he's overthrown by that chap,

415
00:24:23,372 --> 00:24:25,813
who's not a Catholic or a Protestant.
He's not even a king!

416
00:24:25,814 --> 00:24:27,613
Seriously. He's Oliver Cromwell,

417
00:24:27,614 --> 00:24:30,293
a Puritan, which is like
a really strict Protestant.

418
00:24:30,295 --> 00:24:32,814
So strict he chops Charlie's head off and then he

419
00:24:32,817 --> 00:24:36,056
bans music, theatre, dancing,
Christmas, hedgehogs and fun.

420
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:38,138
Except not hedgehogs. Then he dies - hurray!

421
00:24:38,139 --> 00:24:40,138
And we get the monarchs back. Woo-hoo!

422
00:24:40,140 --> 00:24:42,059
It's Charles II, who is loads of fun.

423
00:24:42,061 --> 00:24:44,980
He's also a Protestant,
but he converts to Catholicism

424
00:24:44,981 --> 00:24:48,062
on his death bed, so he's a Catholic,
but only for a couple of minutes.

425
00:24:48,063 --> 00:24:49,942
Then comes his brother James II, who

426
00:24:49,943 --> 00:24:52,824
is a Catholic, always has been,
not just for a couple of minutes.

427
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:55,024
He doesn't like Parliament so they bring in

428
00:24:55,025 --> 00:24:57,546
his daughter and her husband
from Holland, William and Mary.

429
00:24:57,547 --> 00:25:00,746
They decide England is definitely
Protestant, as it is today,

430
00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:04,748
but only after 185 years of
going Catholic, Protestant, Catholic,

431
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:07,909
Protestant, Catholic, Protestant,
Catholic, Protestant.

432
00:25:07,912 --> 00:25:11,951
You're getting sleepy,
you're getting very sleepy...

433
00:25:11,954 --> 00:25:16,554
Hand back to Sam, Sam, Sam...

434
00:25:17,836 --> 00:25:23,396
Sam... Sam... Sam...

435
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,318
Yes, the whole Catholic-Protestant

436
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:31,399
thing started with Henry VIII's
doomed marriage to Anne Boleyn.

437
00:25:31,402 --> 00:25:35,041
When marriages come to an
end, things have to be divided up,

438
00:25:35,044 --> 00:25:37,283
and in this case Henry divided up Anne.

439
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:39,484
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

440
00:25:39,485 --> 00:25:42,444
Oh, I'm sorry, have I gone too far?

441
00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:45,966
You join us here today on this sad occasion.

442
00:25:45,968 --> 00:25:48,847
Queen Anne Boleyn is about to be beheaded.

443
00:25:48,850 --> 00:25:52,449
I am joined here by her husband, King Henry VIII.

444
00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:57,090
Your Majesty, how do you feel on this tragic day?

445
00:25:57,093 --> 00:25:59,052
Ace! 15-love.

446
00:25:59,054 --> 00:26:02,173
So you're not attending the execution, then?

447
00:26:02,175 --> 00:26:04,414
Oh, no. I would have loved to have

448
00:26:04,416 --> 00:26:07,615
been there but I had this game
of Tudor tennis booked in the diary.

449
00:26:07,618 --> 00:26:12,178
You know how it is. Busy king,
countries to rule, volleys to hit.

450
00:26:14,181 --> 00:26:17,780
- 30-love. Look at his face.
- That was out, Your Majesty.

451
00:26:17,782 --> 00:26:19,861
Are you absolutely sure?

452
00:26:19,863 --> 00:26:22,022
My mistake. Good shot.

453
00:26:22,024 --> 00:26:24,303
30-love.

454
00:26:24,305 --> 00:26:27,744
Isn't playing tennis while your
wife's being beheaded a little...

455
00:26:27,746 --> 00:26:29,065
well, heartless?

456
00:26:29,067 --> 00:26:32,906
Heartless? I have gone out of
my way to make things nice for her.

457
00:26:32,909 --> 00:26:34,588
Nice?

458
00:26:34,589 --> 00:26:36,788
Yes. I ordered the best swordsman

459
00:26:36,790 --> 00:26:40,349
in France to lop her head off.
Got him in from Calais.

460
00:26:40,352 --> 00:26:46,271
Sharp sword, spared no expense,
good clean blow, boo-boom! Head off.

461
00:26:46,274 --> 00:26:49,553
And she had a fair trial,
despite what people said.

462
00:26:49,556 --> 00:26:51,996
Is it my fault that woman was a witch?

463
00:26:52,797 --> 00:26:54,956
40-love!

464
00:26:54,958 --> 00:26:57,597
- Brilliant!
- Forgive me, Your Majesty, but to get

465
00:26:57,599 --> 00:27:01,558
the executioner from Calais
to London in time, didn't you have

466
00:27:01,561 --> 00:27:03,800
to order him before Anne's trial?

467
00:27:03,802 --> 00:27:07,201
Oh, details, details.

468
00:27:07,204 --> 00:27:09,603
Game, set and match!

469
00:27:09,605 --> 00:27:12,084
Look at that - King wins, King wins! Hello.

470
00:27:12,086 --> 00:27:14,685
Sire, Anne has now been beheaded.

471
00:27:14,687 --> 00:27:16,566
Oh, dear.

472
00:27:16,568 --> 00:27:18,487
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

473
00:27:18,488 --> 00:27:20,607
I suppose I should go and see the missus.

474
00:27:20,609 --> 00:27:23,768
You're going to pay your
respects to your late wife?

475
00:27:23,771 --> 00:27:26,690
Oh, no, not her.

476
00:27:26,692 --> 00:27:28,811
The new missus, Jane Seymour.

477
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:31,852
She's a real fox! Goodbye.

478
00:27:31,854 --> 00:27:34,013
Oh, by the way, if the whole

479
00:27:34,015 --> 00:27:37,775
Jane thing doesn't work out, do
you fancy being Queen for a little bit?

480
00:27:39,498 --> 00:27:43,777
Tempting... Back to you in the studio.

481
00:27:43,778 --> 00:27:45,099
 Tall tales, atrocious acts

482
00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:47,219
 We gave you all the fearsome facts... 

483
00:27:47,220 --> 00:27:49,939
Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

484
00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:52,739
Then play Horrible Histories' Terrible Treasures.

485
00:27:52,740 --> 00:27:56,820
Go to the CBBC website and
click on Horrible Histories.

486
00:27:56,870 --> 00:28:01,420
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